A Healing Space by Matt Licata

Author:Matt Licata [Licata, Matt]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781683644255
Publisher: Sounds True

Coming from a Place of True Compassion

As an example of this prima materia and approaching (“heating”) it in a curious, inquiring, and compassionate way, let us explore a common emotional experience many of us have and struggle with—that of disappointing another person, especially someone who means a lot to us or whom we look up to, depend upon, or with whom we are in conflict. Discomfort and anxiety about disappointing another can loom large in our relationships and can present itself as some challenging material with which to engage. In fact, many have come to organize much of their experience around this particular dynamic, doing whatever it takes never to allow this to happen, doing whatever they must to ensure they never let anyone down—and if it does happen, moving urgently to recover the status quo. If we are drawn, we can experiment with bringing curiosity and awareness to the feelings, beliefs, and vulnerabilities that constellate when we (inevitably) trigger disappointment in another, when we are unable to live up to their expectations, when we cannot see or hold them as they long to be seen and held, or when we fail to help or be there for them in the way they are asking. When we slowly start to invite these images, beliefs, feelings, and sensations into conscious awareness, we can meet them with deeper levels of seeing and compassion.

At times we face the decision, often in the moment, whether to set a boundary with another—when they are struggling, enraged, on the attack, or deeply depressed—or whether to meet them in the thick of it and help them to regulate the fire moving through them. This can be a difficult choice and requires a lot of experimentation as well as willingness to do it in a way not perceived as “right.” The invitation is to be as authentic, transparent, and kind as we can, recognizing that the most skillful and compassionate response might be not to engage but to take space, say no, assert our own needs, and act (even forcefully) in the moment to protect our own integrity. The reality is that at times we choose (as an adult, not as a child becoming a doormat in the avoidance of difficult feelings) to move toward others, to engage directly with them, and to help them soothe the difficulty they are experiencing. At other times the most authentic, skillful, and compassionate response is to say, “I love you. I hate that you’re suffering. And I cannot be there for you right now in the way you need.” No apology, no shaming ourselves, no self-attack, no self-judgment. Just a clear, adult decision in the moment. And then the willingness to feel whatever feelings come and not see them as evidence that we have failed or made the “wrong” decision.

Of course, part of us wants to be there 100 percent of the time, removing the pain, “being compassionate,” not avoiding intimacy, not shutting down, being a good partner, not being lost

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